So, last week was a week of chronic anxiety and much xanax. Fucking joy.
What I thought was more goddamned sickness, nuvaring related bleh-ness and stressing about a dental appointment turned into hide-under-my-doona-for-12 hours-full-blown-panic-attacks. Then I didn’t leave my house for 3 days. Literally. Also looking back at the week before last, I was becoming more and more of a space cadet, my short term memory was shot and I was getting so confused over simple things. The Easter break was rad, but as each day passed I made more realisations about myself, my negative head space, the impossible expectations I set of myself, how much pressure I put myself under and just how self destructive I still am, even after working so hard not to be. I spoke to my man on the last day of the holiday about setting aside time really soon to have some big talks, because I had many things I needed to express and I realised I had been bottling everything I had been thinking/feeling/worrying about.
That is the one thing I can always rely on myself to do, internalise and destruct.
Although right now, sitting in front of my pc, in a successfully awesome Sunday achievement bliss, I feel really good. I have nipped this shit in the bud, well actually my partner deliberately worked from home to be there for me, was incredibly sweet and caring (and patient, so farking patient) and took me to my fantastic doctor and I was able to get help then and there, but I did do the rest of the stuff to get here. Like trying to stop being scared of EVERYTHING, all at once. Tonight I wrote my work higher ups and explained myself as plainly and honestly as I could about my experience of the last week. Tomorrow I will go to work and do my job and I will do it great, because I love it so much and care about making sexy-stuff that is important and actually represents people as they are, cos that is what sexiness is, reality.
Fear is such a mother fucker, it’s a bitch that has owned me far too much over the years and I’m done with it’s ugliness, the insecurities it causes and the ability it has to totally cripple me at times. I have been watching lots of films on youtube by Dodson and Ross and in one particular film, Betty Dodson said something that has resonated with me so strongly and has really helped me – ‘you have to make friends with fear, because it’s everywhere’.
I think it’s a more specific direction of my constant mantra at times like these: ‘Surrender’ – because fighting really just prolongs acceptance and you need to accept yourself and your experience in order to heal and grow and learn.
Yesterday and today there have been some epic convos, I am seriously a very, very lucky person to have a person that is so awesome. I can spew out the entire contents of my grey matter and together we talk and talk and talk and actually work out what the fuck is going on and what needs to happen to move forward. We’ve also agreed to a May, whole month, detox – together we are going to focus on making our diet and lifestyle what it needs to be – we also have an awesome friend we’re doing PT with, at our home, weekly now. I feel so grateful to have a relationship with a wonderful person, that I consider my equal, at the best of times, but at times where I am so frightened that I can’t get in the shower or call my work to tell them I can’t come in and he just does what needs to be done, quietly, calmly and with surety and never, ever judges me, it’s a reality check: I am blessed. So very and incredibly and totally blessed.
Without even needing to say a single word, he reminds me how our friendship, over the years has grown into something so beautiful it makes me ache. The love and mutual understanding we share *still* totally blows my mind. He reminds me of how we have our own little house that we have made into a wonderful home, our safe space, our haven away from the world. He reminds me of my darling niece, my family and what family really means to me, to us. He reminds me of all our totally amazeballs friends – so many friendships, spanning so many years, of people that are totally fucking incredible. He reminds me I have a job I love and enriches my life and my human experience and I also work with the ace-est people EVER.
He reminds me of how differently I am seen in his eyes, to how I hurt myself with my own twisted view. He also looks at me, with this look, that’s like I am so desired he may sort of burn up, or combust or something and it fucking rocks.
It’s time to stop be afraid and be awesome.