Maybe one last still…

Closer, closer.

 

 

 

Holy fucking Babs.

Intertubes, I have something to tell you, something kinda huge…

I asked my partner to marry me.

He said yes.

I was dressed as a unicorn at the time.  It was kind of surreal.  Surreal in the awesomest possible way.

We were laughing and crying.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment for as long as I live.

This intense moment was followed immediately by an intense, emotional, pleasurable and beautiful fuck.  After he came, we lay together and he helped me orgasm too.  I left a small, but satisfying puddle on the bed.

Life is pretty excellent, ya know.

Sexy sex camp

I am really hoping that a tentative offer to attend this totally amazing space does eventuate for me: Sex Camp

When the opportunity initially presented itself I had heard very little about it, except in passing. I am definitely super wary of things that are potentially contact based sex and sexuality workshops – I think there are SO many elements to providing a safe space for sexual exploration and basically I don’t want *anyone* touching me that I haven’t explicitly consented to.

Although one of the first things the site addresses is motivation for attending, that’s it’s not 2 day camping orgy and that the workshops etc are non-contact.

I spent a whole night looking at the site with my partner, reading and delving into the ideas and ethos and the errr, facebook group too. (sometimes facebook feels like such a dirty word)

I am sold. It looks like it will be a beautiful space, an incredibly healing space and the kind of space that would be extremely helpful for me at the moment. I think that there would be so many amazing people to talk to as well. My gosh, the workshops and seminars are just mind blowing and not all 100% spirituality based either. I’m a little shy of full blown energetic orgasm type stuff. I think I hear too much about it, from the wrong people in my job.

If I can attend, I would be doing so on my own. Flying solo. I have blessings from my gorgeous man ‘to experience what I want and need to experience’ which is pretty damn special. I’m sure if it’s totally kick ass he would be interested to attend in future, also exciting to think about too.

Aside from anything it has generated some good dialogue between us and made me much more motivated to pursue real life information regarding sex and sexuality, rather than staying safely behind my computer screen.

Sexual guilt.

This film has been an exceptional help over the last couple of weeks for me.

There are parts of myself, sexually, that have been re-emerging of late and I have been trying to squash and deny. Being interested in sex with people other than my S.O. doesn’t make me a bad partner and lover. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. In fact a lot of what I fantasise about involves my partner and often has an element of him watching or ‘controlling’ the proceedings. Being grown up enough to be able to communicate this desire, articulate how I think it can happen and hopefully pursue it healthily IS the right thing to do.

We had a fantastic conversation about attraction to others, threesomes, sex, sexual adventures and openness to relationships. It was awesome. I aim for these kinds of conversations to continue and that we can work out exactly what we’re comfy with here and now. There are some things I want to explore, but not to the detriment of my partner or our relationship – baby steps.

Dodson and Ross

Negative self talk…

Over the past 6 or so months I have been experiencing significant lulls in my libido and occasional spikes back in the right direction…

Basically directly after I went off the pill in December I was rampantly horny for a few months, then my phsyical and mental health deteriorated and sex was the last thing on the cards…  I was just trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t have to be put on anti depressants.  I had managed to avoid them thus far in my life and wanted to try to keep it that way.  In the end I came to the decision if I kept feeling the way I was, I would need to, but all said and done, I made it through unmedicated.

Since going on the Nuvaring a few months ago I was hopeful my desire for sex would return.  I didn’t really talk to anyone about what was going on in any detail, I put it all down to hormones, mental state and the general physical discomfort I was experiencing.  I didn’t want to say what was happening to me out loud, because then it would be real.  As long as I kept it inside my head, it was just that, a thought inside my head – a concept rather than an actuality.

I consider myself a significantly sexual person, I have always thought about sex a lot, talked about everything to do with sex a lot, masturbated a lot and just generally felt aroused in my day to day life a lot.  There have been times where I have apparently emasculated my partners when my sex drive outstripped theirs.  These super-sexual tendencies are a big part of my identity and I’ve felt like an integral part of ‘me’ has been missing quite a bit over the last 6 months.

Seemingly this negative innertalk about libido and sex has begun to manifest a really ugly inner monologue.  I have an open dialogue with my partner and we have been discussing how, for various reasons, we didn’t seem to be having sex as often as we’d like and ‘lifestuff’ seemed to be taking too much of a priority.  Sex and intimacy is really important to us.  This conversation occured not so long ago and yet I wasn’t able to fully admit to the difficulties I have been experiencing with my lack of sexual response and arousal.

I am having trouble feeling aroused consistantly and also once aroused maintaining arousal.  In not saying anything, I am left with a nasty inner voice that kills the mood for me and I find myself repeating a mantra of ‘stay with him’ Human Traffic style.  Although I don’t have sexual issues about my mum being a prostitute, thank fuck.  So yeah, I’ve pretty much given myself a complex about feeling sexy and being able to stop my whirring brain when I’m actually there.

This all came out last night in bed, when I was frozen and in tears mid-foreplay because this horrible voice inside my head was saying all manner of fucked up things.  I cried a whole lot and told him about all the horribleness inside my head.  It was goddamn hard because I felt like I was hurting him, but once I had said everything inside my head, surprise surprise, I felt a fuck tonne better.  I articulated the way I felt about myself and my lack of libido, the way this nasty voice in my head worked and what was said and my fears that I was indeed, properly broken.  I was also able to tell him about some small, but ongoing issues I have with how our sexy-times go and ask for some extra help and attention because I’m struggling.

It was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I’d had, ever.  I have never been so vulnerable to another human being in all of my life.  He was amazing.  He was obviously finding the whole conversation difficult, but handled it with nothing but love and tenderness.  I cried and cried and cried and just clung to him for dear life and he held me and told me it was okay and we would work it out.  I can’t remember a time I was ever so useless…

I could just see that I had knocked him for six and even still, he had the prescence of mind to ask some questions so he could try to help me.

For a while after we lay together with full body contact.  It was late, we were tired and had work the next day.  I’d cried myself out and there was only one lamp on beside the bed.  Sleepiness was overcoming us and a genuine feeling of arousal was welling inside me.  I felt loved and desired and like nothing would ever be too difficult to talk to him about and I just wanted to be with him.  We had slow, tender sleepy sex and it was lovely.

I’m definitely more optimistic that I can fix myself and feel better.  I also know my partner will be there for me 100% of the way.

Chapter 2.

Read the first half here: Another dirty episode

I crushed my breasts inside my beautiful corset, pulled on beautiful black stockings and attached them to my garter. I tied a long black ribbon around my neck and brushed out my still wet hair.

There hasn’t been a time, that I recall of, that we have fucked in such a theatrical way… I think this is possibly the first time I have ‘dressed up’ so to speak. There was a definite shift in mood from the playfulness on the drive home.

I made him get a chair from the dining table and sat him down, I put music on and for quite a while and I just danced for him. Not a lapdance exactly, but he was not allowed to touch me. Watching him struggle to not touch me was intensely arousing.

This culminated in me laying open legged on the bed in front of him. I slowly and tentatively began to touch myself. Lightly running my fingers over my labia, teasing the entrance to my vagina and slowly and deliberately working myself up.

His self restraint collasped entirely and his mouth was on me.

For the next hour or so (time becomes meaningless in such states) there was a blur of hands and mouths and exceptional pleasure. At the pinnacle I wanted something more… carnal. After some teasing and toys, he slowly and very, very gently anally penetrated me. The feeling of him sliding in and out of me and a vibe hard up against my clit was mind blowing. Words do not begin to express, but thankfully no housemates home or they would have heard one hell of a racket.

I could hear my voice echoing off the walls.

We stopped for a breather and ended up lying side by side, touching each other and ourselves, each of us riding a swelling climax…

The wave crashed and we came. My orgasm obliterated rational thought or feeling. I was pleasure, I was love, I was vibrating at a higher plane where my inner core was cumming along with my whole physical self. I am told I was practically yelling and thrashing about the place.

Everything past this point is hazy, I remember settling myself into the nook of his back and sleep came shortly after.

Who said sex on drugs wasn’t awesome?

Another tasty episode…

To add to the book of super-sexy awesome adventures.

Awwww yeah. Laf.

A little while ago now, me and the boy went out bush to a small-ish doof party.

Hella fun times were had, there was only a small group of friends camped together and it was a nice mix of folks. The Saturday evening was fun, some drinks, I cooked up a delish bush-carbonara and we were snuggled down in my panelvan together by 3am.

Sunday was brilliant, woke up and ate bacon, consumed caffeinated beverages, then donned my beautiful new corset. I strutted about feeling a million dollars, I recieved loads of compliments, I danced about on the main floor and wandered into the bush a little to let my boy take some photos of my newest garment. (pictures will follow this post, I promise!)

We had to head home at lunchtime to be able to get in, unpacked, washed and dinner-ed in preparation for the working week ahead. On the travels home is when the really, really fun stuff happened…

I was somewhat trashed thus the boy took the driving reins. He isn’t used to driving my car so we didn’t have tunes on. About an hour of the drive in I was down to my knickers and singlet, legs akimbo and having a whole lot of fun in the passenger seat.

Such a turn on to be mostly naked, touching myself, being touched by him in our moving car.  I was adamant – no orgasms til we arrived home.  When there was no other traffic I would touch his cock and put him in my mouth.  Although mostly I was groping myself, enjoying being rough with my breasts and nipples, finger fucking myself and rubbing over my clit.  Periodically showing him how wet I was.

I described one of my most gaurded fantasies to him, in detail.  It’s the first time I have ever told anyone, let alone asked them to actually act it out with me.

I felt so alive and so wild, unihibited and delighting in the dirtiest and darkest parts of my mind.

This rampant touching and teasing play continued the entire drive home, the whole 2 and 1/2 hours and true to my claim, there were no orgasms.  Somewhat hilariously, we ran out of petrol on the massive freeway reentering the city.  I, of course redressed, the freeway patrol attended and we were refueled and on our way home within about 30 minutes.

Once home, we exceptionally quickly unpacked the car and derobed to shower away the dust and dirt.

We closed the door to our bedroom, put on some chilled music and turned on the heater so the cold wouldn’t bother our exposed forms.

…to be continued…

Sluttiness

I’ve come to realise that I’ve somehow ‘lost’ my awesome sluttiness. I tend to overthink and psych myself out completely these days.

It sucks.

On one hand the way I used to fuck without a second thought was not helpful nor wise and it often wasn’t very fun either. But I have definitely gone too far in the other direction. I’m too tied up in my inner monologue and there is an all pervasive doubt that whilst I’m fun to come onto, no one actually really wants to get it on with me, or it’ll ruin the friendship or I’ll somehow damage my relationship with my spunky man.

Even though, it is completely kosher for me to fuck ladies still, I worry all the same. It’s really stupid.

I am resolved to stop being so goddamn chickenshit. I’m totally buying into my own insecurities and fears, so much of which is tied up in my body issues. I hate admitting it, but those same old fat/ugly/unattractive goblins still sit on my back and whisper in my ears… More so of late, than usual and it’s obviously affecting me in more ways than I was aware.

There is a lovely, beautiful, sexy lady in my life and I let it known I dug her. She reciperacated and I still haven’t done ANYTHING about it, aside from a couple of neck nuzzles and a lingering kiss or two. She is a close girlfriend and I have the paranoia something fierce that I will break the awesomeness we share. I also feel frightened I wouldn’t be able to get her off… She has her own orgasmic issues and uses a very specific and powerful tool.

Wow. In rereading the above I think I’m sexually intimidated. Well this is a first… huh…

Although, we are going vibe shopping together very soon to try to find something else for her to use. Maybe when we return home, we shall consume wine and give the new toy/s a test run, so to speak. The idea of this scenerio is premium wank fodder, like seriously, I’m at my desk terrifically aware of a spreading hot, wet patch in my knickers.

Will I actually fucking follow through though? Can I relearn how to feel my way, rather than kill my passion with too much thinking…?

I certainly hope so. I am genuinely attracted to this woman. I love her as a friend and if we do connect sexually then we really could have a super-sweet time together. I know this. I want it.

*sends sms to make sex-shop date*

All I want for Christmas…

Is a 2 day solid, uninterupted fuck session with my man.

And maybe some icecream too.

Moving house in 5 days, finish work in 10 days.

When will then be now?