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Sung to the tune of Changes by David Bowie.
Soooo, later on this week I am heading back into the ifeelmyself.com studio to touch myself up on camera. It has been a really, really long time since I shot proper website content type stuff. I’m really excited, I’ve found myself daydreaming about it since I booked it in.
I’m currently feeling super positive about my body and sexuality, the timing is fantastic. I have been ‘testing’ my capacity for orgasm recently and am really looking forward to pushing myself as far as I can go when I’m shooting.
I will also have my sweet rip-off Hitachi on hand. I have mastered the art and can now give myself the most toe scrunching and body twitching orgasms with it.
Expect a report on my experience, am aiming to have an excellent time though!
I am really hoping that a tentative offer to attend this totally amazing space does eventuate for me: Sex Camp
When the opportunity initially presented itself I had heard very little about it, except in passing. I am definitely super wary of things that are potentially contact based sex and sexuality workshops – I think there are SO many elements to providing a safe space for sexual exploration and basically I don’t want *anyone* touching me that I haven’t explicitly consented to.
Although one of the first things the site addresses is motivation for attending, that’s it’s not 2 day camping orgy and that the workshops etc are non-contact.
I spent a whole night looking at the site with my partner, reading and delving into the ideas and ethos and the errr, facebook group too. (sometimes facebook feels like such a dirty word)
I am sold. It looks like it will be a beautiful space, an incredibly healing space and the kind of space that would be extremely helpful for me at the moment. I think that there would be so many amazing people to talk to as well. My gosh, the workshops and seminars are just mind blowing and not all 100% spirituality based either. I’m a little shy of full blown energetic orgasm type stuff. I think I hear too much about it, from the wrong people in my job.
If I can attend, I would be doing so on my own. Flying solo. I have blessings from my gorgeous man ‘to experience what I want and need to experience’ which is pretty damn special. I’m sure if it’s totally kick ass he would be interested to attend in future, also exciting to think about too.
Aside from anything it has generated some good dialogue between us and made me much more motivated to pursue real life information regarding sex and sexuality, rather than staying safely behind my computer screen.
So, last week was a week of chronic anxiety and much xanax. Fucking joy.
What I thought was more goddamned sickness, nuvaring related bleh-ness and stressing about a dental appointment turned into hide-under-my-doona-for-12 hours-full-blown-panic-attacks. Then I didn’t leave my house for 3 days. Literally. Also looking back at the week before last, I was becoming more and more of a space cadet, my short term memory was shot and I was getting so confused over simple things. The Easter break was rad, but as each day passed I made more realisations about myself, my negative head space, the impossible expectations I set of myself, how much pressure I put myself under and just how self destructive I still am, even after working so hard not to be. I spoke to my man on the last day of the holiday about setting aside time really soon to have some big talks, because I had many things I needed to express and I realised I had been bottling everything I had been thinking/feeling/worrying about.
That is the one thing I can always rely on myself to do, internalise and destruct.
Although right now, sitting in front of my pc, in a successfully awesome Sunday achievement bliss, I feel really good. I have nipped this shit in the bud, well actually my partner deliberately worked from home to be there for me, was incredibly sweet and caring (and patient, so farking patient) and took me to my fantastic doctor and I was able to get help then and there, but I did do the rest of the stuff to get here. Like trying to stop being scared of EVERYTHING, all at once. Tonight I wrote my work higher ups and explained myself as plainly and honestly as I could about my experience of the last week. Tomorrow I will go to work and do my job and I will do it great, because I love it so much and care about making sexy-stuff that is important and actually represents people as they are, cos that is what sexiness is, reality.
Fear is such a mother fucker, it’s a bitch that has owned me far too much over the years and I’m done with it’s ugliness, the insecurities it causes and the ability it has to totally cripple me at times. I have been watching lots of films on youtube by Dodson and Ross and in one particular film, Betty Dodson said something that has resonated with me so strongly and has really helped me – ‘you have to make friends with fear, because it’s everywhere’.
I think it’s a more specific direction of my constant mantra at times like these: ‘Surrender’ – because fighting really just prolongs acceptance and you need to accept yourself and your experience in order to heal and grow and learn.
Yesterday and today there have been some epic convos, I am seriously a very, very lucky person to have a person that is so awesome. I can spew out the entire contents of my grey matter and together we talk and talk and talk and actually work out what the fuck is going on and what needs to happen to move forward. We’ve also agreed to a May, whole month, detox – together we are going to focus on making our diet and lifestyle what it needs to be – we also have an awesome friend we’re doing PT with, at our home, weekly now. I feel so grateful to have a relationship with a wonderful person, that I consider my equal, at the best of times, but at times where I am so frightened that I can’t get in the shower or call my work to tell them I can’t come in and he just does what needs to be done, quietly, calmly and with surety and never, ever judges me, it’s a reality check: I am blessed. So very and incredibly and totally blessed.
Without even needing to say a single word, he reminds me how our friendship, over the years has grown into something so beautiful it makes me ache. The love and mutual understanding we share *still* totally blows my mind. He reminds me of how we have our own little house that we have made into a wonderful home, our safe space, our haven away from the world. He reminds me of my darling niece, my family and what family really means to me, to us. He reminds me of all our totally amazeballs friends – so many friendships, spanning so many years, of people that are totally fucking incredible. He reminds me I have a job I love and enriches my life and my human experience and I also work with the ace-est people EVER.
He reminds me of how differently I am seen in his eyes, to how I hurt myself with my own twisted view. He also looks at me, with this look, that’s like I am so desired he may sort of burn up, or combust or something and it fucking rocks.
It’s time to stop be afraid and be awesome.
I feel my life is beautiful and awesome to be inside.
I feel good, I feel happy, I feel loved, valued and understood. It is such a bloody amazing moment, well evening, to be experiencing.
The only thing that would make this better is knowing that everyone at some point could get this level of heightened perceptions of love and good intentions.
So I am sending this out there to the world:
You are fucking incredible! Special and unique. No one else is like you and that makes your presence in this world such a gift. The only thing that holds us back from knowing how awesome we are, is ourselves! I know in my heart of hearts how totally rad you are, I so hope you do too. The world is full of possibility and positive people, so many new experiences to have and great connections to make.
You’re a bright spark, give yourself permission to shine!
(Taken at Maitreya Festival 2006)
These talks make me laugh, cry and inwardly exclaim – someone breaking down and articulating how my psyche works! What is being said in these talks resonates so strongly and makes me actively want to be a better human, a better woman, a better partner and friend.
I want to be a better me and it is possible to do so.
Feeling a bit meh about my current selection of buzzy friends.
My lelo gigi has been a regular favourite for the past 6 months, as with my usual micro bullet. I’m kind of bored though. It feels time for something new and exciting. Although for once, I had absolutely no idea what I want.
I am thinking I will take my man on an afternoon jaunt to a sex shoppery as soon as we are able… Life really is far too busy at the moment!
Over the past 6 or so months I have been experiencing significant lulls in my libido and occasional spikes back in the right direction…
Basically directly after I went off the pill in December I was rampantly horny for a few months, then my phsyical and mental health deteriorated and sex was the last thing on the cards… I was just trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t have to be put on anti depressants. I had managed to avoid them thus far in my life and wanted to try to keep it that way. In the end I came to the decision if I kept feeling the way I was, I would need to, but all said and done, I made it through unmedicated.
Since going on the Nuvaring a few months ago I was hopeful my desire for sex would return. I didn’t really talk to anyone about what was going on in any detail, I put it all down to hormones, mental state and the general physical discomfort I was experiencing. I didn’t want to say what was happening to me out loud, because then it would be real. As long as I kept it inside my head, it was just that, a thought inside my head – a concept rather than an actuality.
I consider myself a significantly sexual person, I have always thought about sex a lot, talked about everything to do with sex a lot, masturbated a lot and just generally felt aroused in my day to day life a lot. There have been times where I have apparently emasculated my partners when my sex drive outstripped theirs. These super-sexual tendencies are a big part of my identity and I’ve felt like an integral part of ‘me’ has been missing quite a bit over the last 6 months.
Seemingly this negative innertalk about libido and sex has begun to manifest a really ugly inner monologue. I have an open dialogue with my partner and we have been discussing how, for various reasons, we didn’t seem to be having sex as often as we’d like and ‘lifestuff’ seemed to be taking too much of a priority. Sex and intimacy is really important to us. This conversation occured not so long ago and yet I wasn’t able to fully admit to the difficulties I have been experiencing with my lack of sexual response and arousal.
I am having trouble feeling aroused consistantly and also once aroused maintaining arousal. In not saying anything, I am left with a nasty inner voice that kills the mood for me and I find myself repeating a mantra of ‘stay with him’ Human Traffic style. Although I don’t have sexual issues about my mum being a prostitute, thank fuck. So yeah, I’ve pretty much given myself a complex about feeling sexy and being able to stop my whirring brain when I’m actually there.
This all came out last night in bed, when I was frozen and in tears mid-foreplay because this horrible voice inside my head was saying all manner of fucked up things. I cried a whole lot and told him about all the horribleness inside my head. It was goddamn hard because I felt like I was hurting him, but once I had said everything inside my head, surprise surprise, I felt a fuck tonne better. I articulated the way I felt about myself and my lack of libido, the way this nasty voice in my head worked and what was said and my fears that I was indeed, properly broken. I was also able to tell him about some small, but ongoing issues I have with how our sexy-times go and ask for some extra help and attention because I’m struggling.
It was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I’d had, ever. I have never been so vulnerable to another human being in all of my life. He was amazing. He was obviously finding the whole conversation difficult, but handled it with nothing but love and tenderness. I cried and cried and cried and just clung to him for dear life and he held me and told me it was okay and we would work it out. I can’t remember a time I was ever so useless…
I could just see that I had knocked him for six and even still, he had the prescence of mind to ask some questions so he could try to help me.
For a while after we lay together with full body contact. It was late, we were tired and had work the next day. I’d cried myself out and there was only one lamp on beside the bed. Sleepiness was overcoming us and a genuine feeling of arousal was welling inside me. I felt loved and desired and like nothing would ever be too difficult to talk to him about and I just wanted to be with him. We had slow, tender sleepy sex and it was lovely.
I’m definitely more optimistic that I can fix myself and feel better. I also know my partner will be there for me 100% of the way.