Recently I had a girlfriend telling me she knew someone I had worked with in the past.  She was describing me to them as “busty, beautiful, brunette and just ooooooozes sex”…  This description was supposed to identify me to this person she knew.

I blushed.  Hard.  Bright, bright red.  Then giggled self consciously.

See.  In my head I am this ridiculous girl that is mega-silly and a little overweight… Mostly awkward, dorky and lovable in an uber dag kinda way.  My hair tends to fly off in a million different directions, my boobs are absurdly large and I just don’t see myself as this attractive, overtly sexual woman that she was describing.

But upon talking to my partner about my embarrassment at this description, he felt it was actually pretty bang on.

This is when I realise despite how incredibly far I have come, how much I have grown and changed as a person and a woman, I still have some pretty prevalent self image issues.  There are times I feel sexy as hell, I feel damn good and radiate that out into the world…  But it’s a been a long road to get to a place where that’s how I feel, even then it’s really not an always thing by any stretch.

For the most part and on an everyday basis I do feel good about myself.  I’m confident in myself and my abilities, yet in this particular instance I just couldn’t believe it was actually me my gf was describing…

And I want to think that’s me, I genuinely do and need to start doing things that help me believe it.  I think I’ve been so caught up in work, life, my partner, friends, catching up with family and being busy etc etc that some important self-love, reflection and emotional investment in myself hasn’t been occurring.

So, on my agenda for the coming colder weeks and months is more time to myself to do the things that make me feel good.  A lot of my weekday socialising was already getting a little much.  Between my pole course, getting a skating session in, seeing my partner and the upkeep of my home doing social activities is eating into time I should be investing in myself.  I spend all my weekends doing things and seeing people, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hold off on the midweek stuff at least for a little while.

Until myself and my partner head to the Blue Mountains in late August, midweek social activities are going to be kept to a minimum.

I will allow myself the time and space to skate and dance weekly, see my man, do my washing and grocery shopping, write and share within this space and a few other corners of the internet, masturbate languidly… sometimes all evening and at other times just do nothing at all.

Sounds pretty brilliant really.