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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang has been gracing your screens and pants for 2 years now!!

I celebrated accordingly:

Things seem to be getting much, much better.

Although it has obviously only been a short while since my last post, I feel like a massive weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I’m feeling a hell of a lot more relaxed in sexual encounters.  Sexual situations are arising spontaneously and whilst I still do need to consciously switch off my inner monologue, it is getting easier.  I still don’t feel like I’m aroused in general or masturbating as much as I’d like to be, but I do feel there has been improvement.

I’m not stressing out about it anymore at least.

We’re heading overseas in a few weeks time and I do think travelling together and getting away from our regular life, jobs, house and just everyday stuff is going to do us a world of good as individuals and in turn in our relationship, including the sex we have.  I can’t wait!

I digress.

A few days ago now, a lovely lady whom I work with and reads my blog, approached me about my most recent entry and commended my bravery at writing about such a delicate and deeply personal experience.  It struck me as odd, because I feel as though if I didn’t write about something so pivotal here I’d be a total fraud.  It’s been really difficult to just write up and post, I’ll admit that, but I honestly believe the more people that put their experiences out there – good and bad – the more we learn about each other and in turn, ourselves.

I do feel it is a cop-out to write about all my sexy good times here and then skip over the gritty shitty stuff that happens to me.  I started this space to simply write and to share.  Full stop.  Being selective about what I write about undermines my whole ethos about this space.

It was also immensely helpful to put together my words and thoughts when I felt much calmer and clearer.  At the time I was so upset, confused and just flat out distressed.  Writing about something that has been eating at me for months and the breaking point in that situation has actually been quite healing.

I’m sure this isn’t all going to be over and ‘fixed’ in 1 week or even 10, but I will keep talking about it and trying to understand myself and the way my body and brain work.

Over the past 6 or so months I have been experiencing significant lulls in my libido and occasional spikes back in the right direction…

Basically directly after I went off the pill in December I was rampantly horny for a few months, then my phsyical and mental health deteriorated and sex was the last thing on the cards…  I was just trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t have to be put on anti depressants.  I had managed to avoid them thus far in my life and wanted to try to keep it that way.  In the end I came to the decision if I kept feeling the way I was, I would need to, but all said and done, I made it through unmedicated.

Since going on the Nuvaring a few months ago I was hopeful my desire for sex would return.  I didn’t really talk to anyone about what was going on in any detail, I put it all down to hormones, mental state and the general physical discomfort I was experiencing.  I didn’t want to say what was happening to me out loud, because then it would be real.  As long as I kept it inside my head, it was just that, a thought inside my head – a concept rather than an actuality.

I consider myself a significantly sexual person, I have always thought about sex a lot, talked about everything to do with sex a lot, masturbated a lot and just generally felt aroused in my day to day life a lot.  There have been times where I have apparently emasculated my partners when my sex drive outstripped theirs.  These super-sexual tendencies are a big part of my identity and I’ve felt like an integral part of ‘me’ has been missing quite a bit over the last 6 months.

Seemingly this negative innertalk about libido and sex has begun to manifest a really ugly inner monologue.  I have an open dialogue with my partner and we have been discussing how, for various reasons, we didn’t seem to be having sex as often as we’d like and ‘lifestuff’ seemed to be taking too much of a priority.  Sex and intimacy is really important to us.  This conversation occured not so long ago and yet I wasn’t able to fully admit to the difficulties I have been experiencing with my lack of sexual response and arousal.

I am having trouble feeling aroused consistantly and also once aroused maintaining arousal.  In not saying anything, I am left with a nasty inner voice that kills the mood for me and I find myself repeating a mantra of ‘stay with him’ Human Traffic style.  Although I don’t have sexual issues about my mum being a prostitute, thank fuck.  So yeah, I’ve pretty much given myself a complex about feeling sexy and being able to stop my whirring brain when I’m actually there.

This all came out last night in bed, when I was frozen and in tears mid-foreplay because this horrible voice inside my head was saying all manner of fucked up things.  I cried a whole lot and told him about all the horribleness inside my head.  It was goddamn hard because I felt like I was hurting him, but once I had said everything inside my head, surprise surprise, I felt a fuck tonne better.  I articulated the way I felt about myself and my lack of libido, the way this nasty voice in my head worked and what was said and my fears that I was indeed, properly broken.  I was also able to tell him about some small, but ongoing issues I have with how our sexy-times go and ask for some extra help and attention because I’m struggling.

It was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I’d had, ever.  I have never been so vulnerable to another human being in all of my life.  He was amazing.  He was obviously finding the whole conversation difficult, but handled it with nothing but love and tenderness.  I cried and cried and cried and just clung to him for dear life and he held me and told me it was okay and we would work it out.  I can’t remember a time I was ever so useless…

I could just see that I had knocked him for six and even still, he had the prescence of mind to ask some questions so he could try to help me.

For a while after we lay together with full body contact.  It was late, we were tired and had work the next day.  I’d cried myself out and there was only one lamp on beside the bed.  Sleepiness was overcoming us and a genuine feeling of arousal was welling inside me.  I felt loved and desired and like nothing would ever be too difficult to talk to him about and I just wanted to be with him.  We had slow, tender sleepy sex and it was lovely.

I’m definitely more optimistic that I can fix myself and feel better.  I also know my partner will be there for me 100% of the way.

See more from this artist here:Chelsea Green Lewyta
Via: Sex In Art

Read the first half here: Another dirty episode

I crushed my breasts inside my beautiful corset, pulled on beautiful black stockings and attached them to my garter. I tied a long black ribbon around my neck and brushed out my still wet hair.

There hasn’t been a time, that I recall of, that we have fucked in such a theatrical way… I think this is possibly the first time I have ‘dressed up’ so to speak. There was a definite shift in mood from the playfulness on the drive home.

I made him get a chair from the dining table and sat him down, I put music on and for quite a while and I just danced for him. Not a lapdance exactly, but he was not allowed to touch me. Watching him struggle to not touch me was intensely arousing.

This culminated in me laying open legged on the bed in front of him. I slowly and tentatively began to touch myself. Lightly running my fingers over my labia, teasing the entrance to my vagina and slowly and deliberately working myself up.

His self restraint collasped entirely and his mouth was on me.

For the next hour or so (time becomes meaningless in such states) there was a blur of hands and mouths and exceptional pleasure. At the pinnacle I wanted something more… carnal. After some teasing and toys, he slowly and very, very gently anally penetrated me. The feeling of him sliding in and out of me and a vibe hard up against my clit was mind blowing. Words do not begin to express, but thankfully no housemates home or they would have heard one hell of a racket.

I could hear my voice echoing off the walls.

We stopped for a breather and ended up lying side by side, touching each other and ourselves, each of us riding a swelling climax…

The wave crashed and we came. My orgasm obliterated rational thought or feeling. I was pleasure, I was love, I was vibrating at a higher plane where my inner core was cumming along with my whole physical self. I am told I was practically yelling and thrashing about the place.

Everything past this point is hazy, I remember settling myself into the nook of his back and sleep came shortly after.

Who said sex on drugs wasn’t awesome?

(714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

(518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

(716): he got a rim job in the basement.
(716): apparently i was the one who gave it to him.

(414): Dude she was 62…with a boob job. And I’m proud to say I made out with that.

(520): I head back to the dorms in less than a week I’m not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

(773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he’d fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I’m in love.

(714): if that’s jizz on my steering wheel i’m gonna be pissed…and impressed.

(910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn’t work.

(815): Of course I’m hard in the pics. If there’s a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it’s biggest.

(920): When life gives you lemons, puke and rally

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