Over the past 6 or so months I have been experiencing significant lulls in my libido and occasional spikes back in the right direction…

Basically directly after I went off the pill in December I was rampantly horny for a few months, then my phsyical and mental health deteriorated and sex was the last thing on the cards…  I was just trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t have to be put on anti depressants.  I had managed to avoid them thus far in my life and wanted to try to keep it that way.  In the end I came to the decision if I kept feeling the way I was, I would need to, but all said and done, I made it through unmedicated.

Since going on the Nuvaring a few months ago I was hopeful my desire for sex would return.  I didn’t really talk to anyone about what was going on in any detail, I put it all down to hormones, mental state and the general physical discomfort I was experiencing.  I didn’t want to say what was happening to me out loud, because then it would be real.  As long as I kept it inside my head, it was just that, a thought inside my head – a concept rather than an actuality.

I consider myself a significantly sexual person, I have always thought about sex a lot, talked about everything to do with sex a lot, masturbated a lot and just generally felt aroused in my day to day life a lot.  There have been times where I have apparently emasculated my partners when my sex drive outstripped theirs.  These super-sexual tendencies are a big part of my identity and I’ve felt like an integral part of ‘me’ has been missing quite a bit over the last 6 months.

Seemingly this negative innertalk about libido and sex has begun to manifest a really ugly inner monologue.  I have an open dialogue with my partner and we have been discussing how, for various reasons, we didn’t seem to be having sex as often as we’d like and ‘lifestuff’ seemed to be taking too much of a priority.  Sex and intimacy is really important to us.  This conversation occured not so long ago and yet I wasn’t able to fully admit to the difficulties I have been experiencing with my lack of sexual response and arousal.

I am having trouble feeling aroused consistantly and also once aroused maintaining arousal.  In not saying anything, I am left with a nasty inner voice that kills the mood for me and I find myself repeating a mantra of ‘stay with him’ Human Traffic style.  Although I don’t have sexual issues about my mum being a prostitute, thank fuck.  So yeah, I’ve pretty much given myself a complex about feeling sexy and being able to stop my whirring brain when I’m actually there.

This all came out last night in bed, when I was frozen and in tears mid-foreplay because this horrible voice inside my head was saying all manner of fucked up things.  I cried a whole lot and told him about all the horribleness inside my head.  It was goddamn hard because I felt like I was hurting him, but once I had said everything inside my head, surprise surprise, I felt a fuck tonne better.  I articulated the way I felt about myself and my lack of libido, the way this nasty voice in my head worked and what was said and my fears that I was indeed, properly broken.  I was also able to tell him about some small, but ongoing issues I have with how our sexy-times go and ask for some extra help and attention because I’m struggling.

It was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I’d had, ever.  I have never been so vulnerable to another human being in all of my life.  He was amazing.  He was obviously finding the whole conversation difficult, but handled it with nothing but love and tenderness.  I cried and cried and cried and just clung to him for dear life and he held me and told me it was okay and we would work it out.  I can’t remember a time I was ever so useless…

I could just see that I had knocked him for six and even still, he had the prescence of mind to ask some questions so he could try to help me.

For a while after we lay together with full body contact.  It was late, we were tired and had work the next day.  I’d cried myself out and there was only one lamp on beside the bed.  Sleepiness was overcoming us and a genuine feeling of arousal was welling inside me.  I felt loved and desired and like nothing would ever be too difficult to talk to him about and I just wanted to be with him.  We had slow, tender sleepy sex and it was lovely.

I’m definitely more optimistic that I can fix myself and feel better.  I also know my partner will be there for me 100% of the way.