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Things seem to be getting much, much better.

Although it has obviously only been a short while since my last post, I feel like a massive weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I’m feeling a hell of a lot more relaxed in sexual encounters.  Sexual situations are arising spontaneously and whilst I still do need to consciously switch off my inner monologue, it is getting easier.  I still don’t feel like I’m aroused in general or masturbating as much as I’d like to be, but I do feel there has been improvement.

I’m not stressing out about it anymore at least.

We’re heading overseas in a few weeks time and I do think travelling together and getting away from our regular life, jobs, house and just everyday stuff is going to do us a world of good as individuals and in turn in our relationship, including the sex we have.  I can’t wait!

I digress.

A few days ago now, a lovely lady whom I work with and reads my blog, approached me about my most recent entry and commended my bravery at writing about such a delicate and deeply personal experience.  It struck me as odd, because I feel as though if I didn’t write about something so pivotal here I’d be a total fraud.  It’s been really difficult to just write up and post, I’ll admit that, but I honestly believe the more people that put their experiences out there – good and bad – the more we learn about each other and in turn, ourselves.

I do feel it is a cop-out to write about all my sexy good times here and then skip over the gritty shitty stuff that happens to me.  I started this space to simply write and to share.  Full stop.  Being selective about what I write about undermines my whole ethos about this space.

It was also immensely helpful to put together my words and thoughts when I felt much calmer and clearer.  At the time I was so upset, confused and just flat out distressed.  Writing about something that has been eating at me for months and the breaking point in that situation has actually been quite healing.

I’m sure this isn’t all going to be over and ‘fixed’ in 1 week or even 10, but I will keep talking about it and trying to understand myself and the way my body and brain work.

Over the past 6 or so months I have been experiencing significant lulls in my libido and occasional spikes back in the right direction…

Basically directly after I went off the pill in December I was rampantly horny for a few months, then my phsyical and mental health deteriorated and sex was the last thing on the cards…  I was just trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t have to be put on anti depressants.  I had managed to avoid them thus far in my life and wanted to try to keep it that way.  In the end I came to the decision if I kept feeling the way I was, I would need to, but all said and done, I made it through unmedicated.

Since going on the Nuvaring a few months ago I was hopeful my desire for sex would return.  I didn’t really talk to anyone about what was going on in any detail, I put it all down to hormones, mental state and the general physical discomfort I was experiencing.  I didn’t want to say what was happening to me out loud, because then it would be real.  As long as I kept it inside my head, it was just that, a thought inside my head – a concept rather than an actuality.

I consider myself a significantly sexual person, I have always thought about sex a lot, talked about everything to do with sex a lot, masturbated a lot and just generally felt aroused in my day to day life a lot.  There have been times where I have apparently emasculated my partners when my sex drive outstripped theirs.  These super-sexual tendencies are a big part of my identity and I’ve felt like an integral part of ‘me’ has been missing quite a bit over the last 6 months.

Seemingly this negative innertalk about libido and sex has begun to manifest a really ugly inner monologue.  I have an open dialogue with my partner and we have been discussing how, for various reasons, we didn’t seem to be having sex as often as we’d like and ‘lifestuff’ seemed to be taking too much of a priority.  Sex and intimacy is really important to us.  This conversation occured not so long ago and yet I wasn’t able to fully admit to the difficulties I have been experiencing with my lack of sexual response and arousal.

I am having trouble feeling aroused consistantly and also once aroused maintaining arousal.  In not saying anything, I am left with a nasty inner voice that kills the mood for me and I find myself repeating a mantra of ‘stay with him’ Human Traffic style.  Although I don’t have sexual issues about my mum being a prostitute, thank fuck.  So yeah, I’ve pretty much given myself a complex about feeling sexy and being able to stop my whirring brain when I’m actually there.

This all came out last night in bed, when I was frozen and in tears mid-foreplay because this horrible voice inside my head was saying all manner of fucked up things.  I cried a whole lot and told him about all the horribleness inside my head.  It was goddamn hard because I felt like I was hurting him, but once I had said everything inside my head, surprise surprise, I felt a fuck tonne better.  I articulated the way I felt about myself and my lack of libido, the way this nasty voice in my head worked and what was said and my fears that I was indeed, properly broken.  I was also able to tell him about some small, but ongoing issues I have with how our sexy-times go and ask for some extra help and attention because I’m struggling.

It was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I’d had, ever.  I have never been so vulnerable to another human being in all of my life.  He was amazing.  He was obviously finding the whole conversation difficult, but handled it with nothing but love and tenderness.  I cried and cried and cried and just clung to him for dear life and he held me and told me it was okay and we would work it out.  I can’t remember a time I was ever so useless…

I could just see that I had knocked him for six and even still, he had the prescence of mind to ask some questions so he could try to help me.

For a while after we lay together with full body contact.  It was late, we were tired and had work the next day.  I’d cried myself out and there was only one lamp on beside the bed.  Sleepiness was overcoming us and a genuine feeling of arousal was welling inside me.  I felt loved and desired and like nothing would ever be too difficult to talk to him about and I just wanted to be with him.  We had slow, tender sleepy sex and it was lovely.

I’m definitely more optimistic that I can fix myself and feel better.  I also know my partner will be there for me 100% of the way.

Wowsers, I have been having LOTS of sex.

I will use this as a convenient excuse for not writing anything here in an age. Although seriously, so sorry for being such an uber slacker.

Anywho, this whole boxes-of-10 condoms thing (non-latex ones come in boxes of 10) means I can actually very easily tally my sex-usage on a monthly basis. I’m finding it very cool to be able to ‘run stats’ on this sort of this for, quite possibly, the first time in my life. Having been on an oral contraceptive since I first started menstruating (at like barely 12 years old) I guess I’ve almost felt disengaged or distanced from my cycle and the way my body works.

I have now been off the contraceptive pill since the week before Christmas and I feel great. My constant battle with fatigue has eased, my libido has increased back to what it used to be and doesn’t suddenly plummit into nothingness anymore either. I haven’t lost any weight, but hey, I haven’t been trying so that’s next on the list to address and see if any changes have occured. My body feels as though it is working much better although the journey to my first period was perilous, PMTing like a mofo for 3 weeks solid, I think it is going to take a while to right itself… I’ve been on this medicine the last 13 years with only one 3 month break about 3 years ago.

There’s also this feeling of no longer being foggy. It’s difficult to describe or articulate fully, but basically I feel as though a bit of a mental veil has lifted. I’m feeling sharp and it’s great.

As each of my cycles progress I am going to see how I go. In having never been off a hormone longer than 3 months in my entire menstrual history I just have to play this entire process by ear. If my endometriosis symptoms return I will have to start up on a hormone again straight away, although over the past year all the nastiness seems to have eased quite a bit or is at least managable. (have I written about orgasm-therapy yet..? That’s a topic for another post methinks) The shitty endo symptoms are yet another reason to try to lose some weight also.

My aim right now is to try to get through to late 2011, hopefully the whole year, without taking any hormones or medically altering my cycle, if you will. Although failing that I’m giving myself a minimum 3 full cycle break (so 4 actual periods). I’m still researching the nuva-ring, but upon returning to hormonal contraception I’m pretty sure this is what I will be going with. If you have had any experience with this please comment and tell me about it 🙂

(Implanonon or the 3 month injections scare the shit out of me, too much anecdotal evidence this stuff either agrees with you or REALLY doesn’t)

So, yeah, receiving the news a combination of the oral pill and migraines puts you at risk of a stroke or DVT really was a major shock to the system, I didn’t know how I would go being off the pill and I also liked the convenience of being able to plot the where/when of menstruating. I have to say at the moment I’m not in love with condoms, but neither of us is ready to make a little person (or willing to risk it) and insofar we have been very responsible with contraception. It’s actually very nearly become part of our sexiness.

So yeah, I guess when I think about it, condoms are pretty sexy because they herald the onset on guilt and worry free sex. Feeling good about the sexy you’re having without worry means you will relax and enjoy yourself more.

NTS – tell this^ to my kid when they grow up!

The increase in my libido has meant I feel like sex a whole lot more, I’m also wanking a shiteload more too. It’s awesome to feel like a relatively balanced sexual being once more.

3 cheers for sexy-sex!

After several weeks of yucky stressfulness, including but not limited to: having to find a new house before Christmas, work issues, family health problems and last, but most awfully, being given fucking head lice by someone and *hey presto* my libido had copped a fairly epic battering.

I have been choosing to read my book and getting sleep over masturbating, let alone sex. The thought would occur to me to wank and quite often when I don’t feel like it, but have a lot on it’s good release, but this time it was a passing thought and nothing else.

Something had really begun to strike me as really wrong when I was massively cranky for about a fortnight solid.

I have now treated said lice, found a new home (and I’m moving in with my man = Squeeeeee!!) and work stress has abated somewhat. I’m caught in the midst of the Christmas windup, things are really starting to get mental, but I feel calm and happy once more. I’m almost looking forward to the whirlwind that December is going to be. So much action and excitement!

Sexy times of sexy-sex have returned too, thank Babs. Although interestingly with seeming avengance… Meaning, I am hella sensitive both externally and internally. I don’t EVER recall a time where penetrative sex alone felt so mind blowingly good. My poor man’s housemates have been copping an earful, but when you’re being fucked from behind and it basically feels like a climax it’s just *that* good, it’s difficult not to cuss and bleat like a goat on heat.

There have been several times over the past week where I thought I was actually going to orgasm from penetration alone, especially being fucked from behind and just plain sex, no clitoral stimulation or anything. Oral sex is spastically awesome right now too, like so good, I find myself squirming and moaning all over the place because it almost feels too good somehow.

Also experiencing wetness overload. For example I literally soaked through my panties out at the Roller Derby final on Saturday night because I wound myself up so much. In a nutshell: moisture. I has it.

So obviously I’m basically really enjoying my uber sensitive vulva and vagina at the moment. It’s sweet.

This is NOT a sexy post at all.  You have been warned.

So, for the past 3 days I’ve had a chronic and rather painful UTI.  It’s slowly abating today, I started anti-biotics yesterday and things seem to be improving.  I’m currently eating 2 anti biotics a day, a triple dose of pro biotics, cranberry capsules, paracetamol if my abdomen hurts and drinking Ural salts twice daily.

And I’m over it.  I was not needing to pee incessantly after the first day, but have been in pain since and it fucking sucks.   Every time I urinate it’s uncomfortable at best and excruciating at worst.

I think I’ve pinpointed the cause too.  Fricking condoms.  Every-time I’ve had  UTI’s in the past few years it’s been around the time I have used condoms consistently.

I’ve stuffed up my taking my pill once or twice with my man and needed to use condoms for the 7 consecutive days until my pill is effective again.  When I think about when we initially got together we used condoms frequently and I struggled with UTI’s from time to time, but could mostly deal with it with cranberry and loads of water within a few days.

We both were STI tested fairly early in the piece and unless I haven’t taken my pill properly, which is seldom, we don’t really use condoms.  I already have bad reactions to most lubricants, so really this reaction could be caused by the lube that is already on the condom.

I’ve purchased some non-latex condoms to see if this same issue arises in future when we do need to use them…

Went to the doctors again this morning as I was due for a smear test.  Whilst the procedure itself was fine, my doctor informed me I had the beginnings of thrush in the very top of my vagina.  She said I wouldn’t have symptoms yet, but it’s there right up the top.  And I don’t have symptoms yet but I sure as fuck don’t want to have any.  So off to the chemist for $40 worth of treatment.

The money I’ve spent on doctors and medicines this week has been astronomical.  Hmph!

Thankfully she also told me cystitis infections are dealt with within 3 days of taking anti biotics, so I can stop taking them tomorrow.  Hooray!

I’m off to the bush tomorrow, me and my man are going camping with a group of friends.  There is something supremely fun about camping in winter.  We’ll have a generator so we can have lights and music and such, it will hopefully shape up to be an awesome weekend.

My UTI symptoms are thankfully gone and will hopefully stay that way, I have started the thrush medicine so *fingers crossed* the clean air and relaxation (and the shiteload of meds I am consuming) will do what they’re supposed to.

I have faith.

Well… I did it again.  Love that song though 😛

(Sorry for the little May-hiatus here.  So much has been on I’ve barely had time to scratch myself… or something.  I hosted a rather large house-warming party which took a lot of planning, running around and set up.  Immediately after it I became really sick.  Like the sickest I’ve been in years, it was certainly the first time I’d been prescribed anti biotics in the last year at least.  in amongst all of that work, as usual keeps me quite occupied as well.)

So I have managed to squirt again.  Nothing anywhere near as intense as the first time, but, dun dun duuuuuuuun…  I did it myself!  Hooray!  3 cheers for me!

With the help of my doc johnson g-spot vibe, an egg vibe and 1 fluffy towel I came twice with accompanying gushes.

Unfortunately since this particular achievement I haven’t really had the time or energy to invest in attempting either a solo session or one with my partner.  I think I’m going to hold out until we have enough planned time together to attempt to recreate what occured the first time I squirted.  (see my post from April 27th)

I’m currently menstruating and experiencing bizarre surges in my libido.  Since I’ve been sick I haven’t really felt like sex or masturbating much.  I’m just not getting particularly aroused on my own, but I’m not too stressed about it as I was really really unwell.  I’m only on day 2 of actually bleeding, but finished my pill 4 days ago and since Sunday I’ve noticed I’m either spectacularly horny, or really not.  Usually my period is a time of fairly intense sexual drive, but I’m thinking maybe getting sick has thrown me out of whack a little.

Hopefully my body is righted by the time my period finishes and I get into my next cycle…

I have a new home.  Aaaaaaaaaaall to myself.

Am in the process of sorting and cleaning and deciding where everything goes.  It’s been massively stressful, but after nearly a week in my new home I can feel my mojo returning.

So much was inside my head for so long, I was in a bad situation (housing wise) and it was seemingly really affecting me much more than I was aware of.  I knew I was tired and stressed a lot, I knew I didn’t feel like having sex much, but now that I actually feel good I realise just how bad I felt.

I get aroused by my thoughts again.  I sit here, typing this and feeling sexy.  It’s awesome.

Tonight myself and my man are going on a date.  We don’t get to do this sort of thing very often these days, too busy etc etc, so I am really really looking forward to it.  Meaningful time spent together is usually followed by especially hot sex, so yeah, also really really looking forward to the hot sex bit too.

*grin*

My life is kinda spastically busy atm.  Between insanely busy work, friends, my own stuff, family, moving house, social commitments etc etc sometimes me and the guy struggle to get time together.  And some of the time when we do actually get to see each other I’m so buggered I can barely make sentences… let alone perform any kind of amazing sexual feats.

Which sometimes means my partner is initiating sex that there is no way in hell I can participate in without actually falling asleep mid fuck.

In my past relationships, including fuck buddy situations, my libido has far outstripped my partners and I have thus emasculated them (or so aforementioned partners have claimed).

I’m currently in a position where, for the first time, my partner wants sex more than I do.  And to be perfectly honest I just don’t know how to deal with it…

It’s such an odd feeling and in these instances of him wanting to fool around when I all I want/need to do is sleep, I’m not handling it real well.  Especially if we’re in bed and I’m already half asleep, I’m pretty much making an annoyed sound and shaking off his hands.  When I’m in the cold light of day and recall this behaviour it makes me cringe inwardly, for being such a snooty bitch.

I am going to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling about this, but at the same time it’s tough – sometimes when I am half asleep and he starts touching me I get interested enough to be fully aroused and happy to engage in sex…  I can’t foretell those times and sometimes when he does start to touch me as I’m falling asleep, I think to myself “there is no way in hell” and end up having crazy late night sex.

I feel kind of afraid of the sex I’ll miss out on by talking about this – as soon as we do talk about it I think it will affect the way, if not the frequency of when he initiates sex…  But at the same time I feel awful for being a grumpy cow to him the times he does initiate sex and I am too tired.

I also feel like at my age I shouldn’t even be experiencing this.  How badly is my libido going to die if I have kids and a job and a house to keep?

Right now I have so much on, I just wish life could slow down for a bit so I could get my mojo back.

*sigh*

Is not something I have engaged in a great deal.  Well not comfortably and happily at least.

My first partner mentally scarred me about having sex whilst on my period, with his undisguised revulsion of my menstrual blood.  We were together for almost 4 years, so how unsexy and not-desirable I was when bleeding was hammered into me fairly well.  I was taught to ‘stay away’ when I had my period.

It’s taken me so long to work myself out of that place.

Over the past year I’ve come to realise that just before and whilst I’m menstruating is my sexual peak.  I now know my cycle, my body and how it all works inside out.  I used to dread my period, I have endometriosis and it always meant pain and pms and being undesirable was coming.  I now find bleeding really really comforting.  I also have *amazing* orgasms during this peak, especially when I’m bleeding.

When I’m stressed out, really busy or not sleeping properly my libido just disapears, but when I get my period it’s like my mind and body reset.  My desire to have sex, naturally occuring levels of arousal etc return.  I also now have a proper pain management plan, my mooncup solves a lot of physical discomfort and removes my mental anxiety about leaking.  I no longer freak out about TSS either.  My mooncup and acceptance of my hormonal peak during my period also means I masturbate like crazy during this time.  I am finally, after years of hating it, able to love myself and my blood.

Last night I had sex whilst bleeding and actually felt fine about it.  Not stressed, worried, upset or uncomfortable, at all, for the first time in my entire sexual life.  I had spoken to my boyfriend about this very topic previously, at a point where we were friends and hadn’t yet got together, he was so not fussed about it that it set me completely at ease from the get-go.  There are few whom I think I could engage in foreplay with, stop to pluck out my mooncup then lay back and let them touch me before launching into awesome sex.

The sex, whilst short, was lovely.  I lay a towel under my bum just in case of spillage and was on my back the entire time.  Despite us having sex in a way we usually wouldn’t (me on my back the entire fuck) it was still good, I was in the moment and enjoying the sensation of him inside me.  No part of me was freaking out about bleeding all over the place, or on him etc etc.

I actually feel like we shared something pretty special.

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