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Sung to the tune of Changes by David Bowie.

Soooo, later on this week I am heading back into the ifeelmyself.com studio to touch myself up on camera.  It has been a really, really long time since I shot proper website content type stuff.  I’m really excited, I’ve found myself daydreaming about it since I booked it in.

I’m currently feeling super positive about my body and sexuality, the timing is fantastic.  I have been ‘testing’ my capacity for orgasm recently and am really looking forward to pushing myself as far as I can go when I’m shooting.

I will also have my sweet rip-off Hitachi on hand.  I have mastered the art and can now give myself the most toe scrunching and body twitching orgasms with it.

Expect a report on my experience, am aiming to have an excellent time though!

I have submitted a folio to the I Shot Myself project for the first time in years! The word on the street is that it will go live next month sometime. If you want to join up, the banner to the left will get you a 10% discount on membership.

Otherwise here are few of my favourite shots from the folio. Enjoy!

Day 2, Sunday, the final frontier. To be honest, I woke up on Sunday missing the shit out of my partner and I really just wanted to go home. I rugged up in a blanket, grabbed my towel and toiletries and headed for the showers. It was exactly what I needed, a long, hot shower and just some time inside my head and away from other people.

(I should add to this write up, that both Saturday and Sunday of Sex Camp were 8am starts, so I was out of bed before 7:30am both days. I usually get up some time after 8am to go to work, I mean, it was okay, but I have been feeling pretty damn tired all week post-camp.)

Brekkie was once again stunning, I grabbed a serve and headed over to my friends in the meals tent, then I found out there was BACON. The decent sized serving of pork shaped goodness along with my veggie fare perked me right up and brought a smile to my face.

My first workshop for the day was directly after breakfast, it was called ‘Healing Sexuality’ and I wasn’t too sure exactly what it would entail. I attended to try to gain some insight and move past my aversion to touch. When I say that, I mean I do not wish to be touched by strangers, in any way and I am extremely guarded with my personal space in general of late. I have an extremely visceral reaction if a breach of that space is made. I never used to be this way. I am certainly not this way with people I am close to, although at times I will go to some lengths to avoid being touched in general. I’m not sure when it started, but it seems to come and go… I used to want to literally hug the world and was open to all kinds of encounters, but something has fundamentally changed and it often makes me feel quite unhappy to be so ‘closed’.

The workshop was brilliant, it was run by the woman who was manning the Women’s Tent the previous day when I was feeling anxious and had been really fantastic and grounded towards me. Super calm too. The best thing for anxiety is a calm quiet person who doesn’t expect anything of you.

We all sat in a huge circle and so many people voiced their own painful experiences, from psychological elements of damaged sexuality, through to many people present standing up and voicing that they had genital herpes. I saw so much courage in the people around me, so many different stories and it was really eye opening to the stigma of STIs and STDs.

I then went and grabbed some lunch, caught up with the folks I knew and decided to skip the next workshop and pack up my belongings so I could leave directly after the final workshop of the day. Thankfully the initial ‘you cannot leave sex camp until the closing ceremony’ BS had been adjusted, you could leave anytime after lunch. I was fairly annoyed at how the leaving Sex Camp was handled, basically up until Sunday apparently if you wanted to leave you *had* to find one of two people and only then would permission to head off would be granted. We were told that organisers didn’t want it to be easy to leave. I was not and am still not cool with this, on any level, it made me feel extremely uncomfortable and once again a major issue very poorly and insensitively handled by organisers.

As far as I was concerned, anyone with a walkie talkie could radio and I would be leaving, if I needed to, thank you very fucking much. Yet again, another scenario that set me on guard.

I packed up my shit into my car, wrote some more and then read my book on space for a whiles. The final workshop I attended was run by a lovely and rather amazing lady I sort of know, but have definitely felt much admiration for. It was called ‘Genital Show and Tell’ and was a women only space. The first half of the workshop was watching Betty Dodson’s film ‘Body Sex’ which has kind of changed my life, but that is a story for another day. The film being shown was impromptu, but actually created the perfect setting as it gave an idea of what the workshop was trying to achieve.

For the demonstrative part of the workshop it was a small circle of women, varying ages and experiences. Basically, starting with the workshop presenter, we each showed our genitals in turn and pointed out various parts of ourselves with use of a hand mirror. It was possibly the most confronting, bonding, amazing, beautiful and full on thing I have ever done in my life. One woman had given birth to 5 children before realising she was gay! On her last child she tore a little and chose not to have stitches, you could see where the tears had healed. So many incredible stories and experiences of owning a vulva, yoni, pussy and all the different, winding journeys toward orgasm, love and self acceptance.

I left this workshop absolutely exhilarated. A perfect note to end Sex Camp on.

I said goodbye to my friends, jumped in my car and headed home to my much missed partner.

Right now I am still reflecting on my experiences from Sex Camp… There were so many positives and negatives, it has been difficult to weigh up my opinion overall. I have read so many glowing blog entries from other attendees and wonder if I just too critical, although I think for a $350 ticket to ride, I definitely expected much more and certainly far, far better organisational efforts. As someone that puts of their own events I know almost exactly what goes into such a weekend and how much easier having a budget makes that process.

There is a part of me that wants to speak and run a workshop at the next Camp. There is a part of me that wants to put on my own multi-day, sex-postive space for learning and development. And there is a part of me that thinks I would be better to explore areas of sexuality that interest me much more intensively, than a weekend of bits of this and that…

It has really taken me this entire week to recover, so to speak. Although it feels good to have my experience and thoughts, thus far, written down. For now.

I am sure I will have more to say about Camp in the future, for now I think I need to continue to digest everything.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang has been gracing your screens and pants for 2 years now!!

I celebrated accordingly:

I don’t exactly wake up in the morning, jump out of bed and fist pump because I have a totally sweet vadge.  Although I have finally arrived at a place where I truly love, accept and celebrate my vagina.  I don’t mind my weeny little labia or clit.  I don’t obsess that I look different anymore.  Once you realise there is no ‘different’ you can be free to fully enjoy all that you have without an inner dialogue of anxiety or shame.  I think what I have is just lovely.  Sex, self pleasure, child birth, orgasms and peeing are all pretty awesome things.  I’m thrilled my ladyparts can accomodate all these wonderful activities.

I sincerely hope more and more women realise they are blessed and brilliant just as they are.

The above piece of writing is what will accompany the image that I shot for a very special project this evening:101 Vagina

The blog or story sharing space of the site, is very, very special… I have been reading the submissions over the past couple of days and I am struck by the honesty of the stories and the feeling of a shared experience. These are all women I don’t know, but we have all battled body shame about the most amazing and beautiful parts of our bodies.

I encourage anyone interested in contributing an image or their story (or both!) to contact Philip, the creator of this project and to get involved. We had a brilliant discussion this evening about vagina-shame, body-shame, media, porn and all kinds of other wonderful and interesting things.

He is especially trying to capture some more images of older women or women of different ethnicities, to give the project balance and to try to give a broad picture of the vagina spectrum.

Hooray for vaginas!

In late January I shot some new content, at home, for the ifeelmyself.com site. (click on the banner to the left and down a bit)

It is the first time in at least a year I have made a film and a year is a long time when you’re experiencing major sexual growth. Part of not shooting for such a long time led me to realise that I had wholly eroticised the camera… to the point where I often fantasize I’m in the ifeelmyself.com studio when I’m masturbating.

So needless to say, I had some seriously intense orgasmic energy going on. The cherry on top of the delicious cake was that for my first take my gorgeous man helped me get off. I ended up shooting 4 takes in total… (2 is the norm).

When multiple turns ons come together in one session I apparently get a little excited, or something. Basically my entire afternoon was one large, pleasurable haze. Even for the takes following the first when he helped me to orgasm, he was still down the end of the room on his pc gaming and watching on, occasionally masturbating along with me.

I honestly feel I shot the best content I have ever made. It is the closest-to-reallife film that exists of me, that’s for sure. I think the ‘reality’ of the situation was what made it so hot too.

In combination to the big HD tv cameras, I had a little sony handheld HD camera and used it in different ways throughout this shooting session. This was absolutely, totally and extremely sexy. Cannot express this enough… words don’t suffice. Physically operating a camera that I was using to filming myself, whilst getting off was unbelievably hot.

I have been using this experience as masturbatory material ever since, it was just *so good*.

The films I made are just about to go live over at the ifeelmyself site and I am so, so, SO excited to see them. It’s like a grand finale for an already awesome and highly pleasurable experience. I can’t wait to watch each of them with my partner and to share them with a much wider audience than my humble blog could ever reach. Don’t get me wrong though, I plan to make some lovely things solely for this space as well.

So in short, cameras are damn sexy… I wonder if this becomes the case with anyone else whom films adult content…?

Wowsers, I have been having LOTS of sex.

I will use this as a convenient excuse for not writing anything here in an age. Although seriously, so sorry for being such an uber slacker.

Anywho, this whole boxes-of-10 condoms thing (non-latex ones come in boxes of 10) means I can actually very easily tally my sex-usage on a monthly basis. I’m finding it very cool to be able to ‘run stats’ on this sort of this for, quite possibly, the first time in my life. Having been on an oral contraceptive since I first started menstruating (at like barely 12 years old) I guess I’ve almost felt disengaged or distanced from my cycle and the way my body works.

I have now been off the contraceptive pill since the week before Christmas and I feel great. My constant battle with fatigue has eased, my libido has increased back to what it used to be and doesn’t suddenly plummit into nothingness anymore either. I haven’t lost any weight, but hey, I haven’t been trying so that’s next on the list to address and see if any changes have occured. My body feels as though it is working much better although the journey to my first period was perilous, PMTing like a mofo for 3 weeks solid, I think it is going to take a while to right itself… I’ve been on this medicine the last 13 years with only one 3 month break about 3 years ago.

There’s also this feeling of no longer being foggy. It’s difficult to describe or articulate fully, but basically I feel as though a bit of a mental veil has lifted. I’m feeling sharp and it’s great.

As each of my cycles progress I am going to see how I go. In having never been off a hormone longer than 3 months in my entire menstrual history I just have to play this entire process by ear. If my endometriosis symptoms return I will have to start up on a hormone again straight away, although over the past year all the nastiness seems to have eased quite a bit or is at least managable. (have I written about orgasm-therapy yet..? That’s a topic for another post methinks) The shitty endo symptoms are yet another reason to try to lose some weight also.

My aim right now is to try to get through to late 2011, hopefully the whole year, without taking any hormones or medically altering my cycle, if you will. Although failing that I’m giving myself a minimum 3 full cycle break (so 4 actual periods). I’m still researching the nuva-ring, but upon returning to hormonal contraception I’m pretty sure this is what I will be going with. If you have had any experience with this please comment and tell me about it 🙂

(Implanonon or the 3 month injections scare the shit out of me, too much anecdotal evidence this stuff either agrees with you or REALLY doesn’t)

So, yeah, receiving the news a combination of the oral pill and migraines puts you at risk of a stroke or DVT really was a major shock to the system, I didn’t know how I would go being off the pill and I also liked the convenience of being able to plot the where/when of menstruating. I have to say at the moment I’m not in love with condoms, but neither of us is ready to make a little person (or willing to risk it) and insofar we have been very responsible with contraception. It’s actually very nearly become part of our sexiness.

So yeah, I guess when I think about it, condoms are pretty sexy because they herald the onset on guilt and worry free sex. Feeling good about the sexy you’re having without worry means you will relax and enjoy yourself more.

NTS – tell this^ to my kid when they grow up!

The increase in my libido has meant I feel like sex a whole lot more, I’m also wanking a shiteload more too. It’s awesome to feel like a relatively balanced sexual being once more.

3 cheers for sexy-sex!

After several weeks of yucky stressfulness, including but not limited to: having to find a new house before Christmas, work issues, family health problems and last, but most awfully, being given fucking head lice by someone and *hey presto* my libido had copped a fairly epic battering.

I have been choosing to read my book and getting sleep over masturbating, let alone sex. The thought would occur to me to wank and quite often when I don’t feel like it, but have a lot on it’s good release, but this time it was a passing thought and nothing else.

Something had really begun to strike me as really wrong when I was massively cranky for about a fortnight solid.

I have now treated said lice, found a new home (and I’m moving in with my man = Squeeeeee!!) and work stress has abated somewhat. I’m caught in the midst of the Christmas windup, things are really starting to get mental, but I feel calm and happy once more. I’m almost looking forward to the whirlwind that December is going to be. So much action and excitement!

Sexy times of sexy-sex have returned too, thank Babs. Although interestingly with seeming avengance… Meaning, I am hella sensitive both externally and internally. I don’t EVER recall a time where penetrative sex alone felt so mind blowingly good. My poor man’s housemates have been copping an earful, but when you’re being fucked from behind and it basically feels like a climax it’s just *that* good, it’s difficult not to cuss and bleat like a goat on heat.

There have been several times over the past week where I thought I was actually going to orgasm from penetration alone, especially being fucked from behind and just plain sex, no clitoral stimulation or anything. Oral sex is spastically awesome right now too, like so good, I find myself squirming and moaning all over the place because it almost feels too good somehow.

Also experiencing wetness overload. For example I literally soaked through my panties out at the Roller Derby final on Saturday night because I wound myself up so much. In a nutshell: moisture. I has it.

So obviously I’m basically really enjoying my uber sensitive vulva and vagina at the moment. It’s sweet.

So, the third installment of *my* series (squeeeeeee) ‘Hyperballad Tells’, is live over at Sonic Erotica

I wrote the entry Gush waaaaay back in April, although it’s so dear to my heart and held in a special place in my mind that I could barely listen to the recording…

Tell me if it makes you uncomfortably tingley too: Audio recording of ‘Gush’

*grin*

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