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This is the last stills post before the main event.  I’m saving it for Christmas 🙂

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I have more wisdom tooth shaped woes and I’m sick, so I am struggling to make coherent sentences. So instead of words, I offer you romantic lols. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Last up, my favourite 😀

Intertubes, I have something to tell you, something kinda huge…

I asked my partner to marry me.

He said yes.

I was dressed as a unicorn at the time.  It was kind of surreal.  Surreal in the awesomest possible way.

We were laughing and crying.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment for as long as I live.

This intense moment was followed immediately by an intense, emotional, pleasurable and beautiful fuck.  After he came, we lay together and he helped me orgasm too.  I left a small, but satisfying puddle on the bed.

Life is pretty excellent, ya know.

I am really hoping that a tentative offer to attend this totally amazing space does eventuate for me: Sex Camp

When the opportunity initially presented itself I had heard very little about it, except in passing. I am definitely super wary of things that are potentially contact based sex and sexuality workshops – I think there are SO many elements to providing a safe space for sexual exploration and basically I don’t want *anyone* touching me that I haven’t explicitly consented to.

Although one of the first things the site addresses is motivation for attending, that’s it’s not 2 day camping orgy and that the workshops etc are non-contact.

I spent a whole night looking at the site with my partner, reading and delving into the ideas and ethos and the errr, facebook group too. (sometimes facebook feels like such a dirty word)

I am sold. It looks like it will be a beautiful space, an incredibly healing space and the kind of space that would be extremely helpful for me at the moment. I think that there would be so many amazing people to talk to as well. My gosh, the workshops and seminars are just mind blowing and not all 100% spirituality based either. I’m a little shy of full blown energetic orgasm type stuff. I think I hear too much about it, from the wrong people in my job.

If I can attend, I would be doing so on my own. Flying solo. I have blessings from my gorgeous man ‘to experience what I want and need to experience’ which is pretty damn special. I’m sure if it’s totally kick ass he would be interested to attend in future, also exciting to think about too.

Aside from anything it has generated some good dialogue between us and made me much more motivated to pursue real life information regarding sex and sexuality, rather than staying safely behind my computer screen.

This film has been an exceptional help over the last couple of weeks for me.

There are parts of myself, sexually, that have been re-emerging of late and I have been trying to squash and deny. Being interested in sex with people other than my S.O. doesn’t make me a bad partner and lover. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. In fact a lot of what I fantasise about involves my partner and often has an element of him watching or ‘controlling’ the proceedings. Being grown up enough to be able to communicate this desire, articulate how I think it can happen and hopefully pursue it healthily IS the right thing to do.

We had a fantastic conversation about attraction to others, threesomes, sex, sexual adventures and openness to relationships. It was awesome. I aim for these kinds of conversations to continue and that we can work out exactly what we’re comfy with here and now. There are some things I want to explore, but not to the detriment of my partner or our relationship – baby steps.

Dodson and Ross

So, last week was a week of chronic anxiety and much xanax. Fucking joy.

What I thought was more goddamned sickness, nuvaring related bleh-ness and stressing about a dental appointment turned into hide-under-my-doona-for-12 hours-full-blown-panic-attacks. Then I didn’t leave my house for 3 days. Literally. Also looking back at the week before last, I was becoming more and more of a space cadet, my short term memory was shot and I was getting so confused over simple things. The Easter break was rad, but as each day passed I made more realisations about myself, my negative head space, the impossible expectations I set of myself, how much pressure I put myself under and just how self destructive I still am, even after working so hard not to be. I spoke to my man on the last day of the holiday about setting aside time really soon to have some big talks, because I had many things I needed to express and I realised I had been bottling everything I had been thinking/feeling/worrying about.

That is the one thing I can always rely on myself to do, internalise and destruct.

Although right now, sitting in front of my pc, in a successfully awesome Sunday achievement bliss, I feel really good. I have nipped this shit in the bud, well actually my partner deliberately worked from home to be there for me, was incredibly sweet and caring (and patient, so farking patient) and took me to my fantastic doctor and I was able to get help then and there, but I did do the rest of the stuff to get here. Like trying to stop being scared of EVERYTHING, all at once. Tonight I wrote my work higher ups and explained myself as plainly and honestly as I could about my experience of the last week. Tomorrow I will go to work and do my job and I will do it great, because I love it so much and care about making sexy-stuff that is important and actually represents people as they are, cos that is what sexiness is, reality.

Fear is such a mother fucker, it’s a bitch that has owned me far too much over the years and I’m done with it’s ugliness, the insecurities it causes and the ability it has to totally cripple me at times. I have been watching lots of films on youtube by Dodson and Ross and in one particular film, Betty Dodson said something that has resonated with me so strongly and has really helped me – ‘you have to make friends with fear, because it’s everywhere’.

I think it’s a more specific direction of my constant mantra at times like these: ‘Surrender’ – because fighting really just prolongs acceptance and you need to accept yourself and your experience in order to heal and grow and learn.

Yesterday and today there have been some epic convos, I am seriously a very, very lucky person to have a person that is so awesome. I can spew out the entire contents of my grey matter and together we talk and talk and talk and actually work out what the fuck is going on and what needs to happen to move forward. We’ve also agreed to a May, whole month, detox – together we are going to focus on making our diet and lifestyle what it needs to be – we also have an awesome friend we’re doing PT with, at our home, weekly now. I feel so grateful to have a relationship with a wonderful person, that I consider my equal, at the best of times, but at times where I am so frightened that I can’t get in the shower or call my work to tell them I can’t come in and he just does what needs to be done, quietly, calmly and with surety and never, ever judges me, it’s a reality check: I am blessed. So very and incredibly and totally blessed.

Without even needing to say a single word, he reminds me how our friendship, over the years has grown into something so beautiful it makes me ache. The love and mutual understanding we share *still* totally blows my mind. He reminds me of how we have our own little house that we have made into a wonderful home, our safe space, our haven away from the world. He reminds me of my darling niece, my family and what family really means to me, to us. He reminds me of all our totally amazeballs friends – so many friendships, spanning so many years, of people that are totally fucking incredible. He reminds me I have a job I love and enriches my life and my human experience and I also work with the ace-est people EVER.

He reminds me of how differently I am seen in his eyes, to how I hurt myself with my own twisted view. He also looks at me, with this look, that’s like I am so desired he may sort of burn up, or combust or something and it fucking rocks.

It’s time to stop be afraid and be awesome.

I feel my life is beautiful and awesome to be inside.

I feel good, I feel happy, I feel loved, valued and understood. It is such a bloody amazing moment, well evening, to be experiencing.

The only thing that would make this better is knowing that everyone at some point could get this level of heightened perceptions of love and good intentions.

So I am sending this out there to the world:

You are fucking incredible! Special and unique. No one else is like you and that makes your presence in this world such a gift. The only thing that holds us back from knowing how awesome we are, is ourselves! I know in my heart of hearts how totally rad you are, I so hope you do too. The world is full of possibility and positive people, so many new experiences to have and great connections to make.

You’re a bright spark, give yourself permission to shine!

(Taken at Maitreya Festival 2006)

Or rather, watching someone fuck life-like silicon.

Whilst on our travels, I visited sex shops in pretty much every city and in Vienna, Austria we found Crystal Fleshlights for 69 euros.  What is that you ask?  This:

I have been wanting to buy my man one of these babies for a loooong time now.  They are some bullshit crazy amount, like $320 to buy here.  So it hasn’t really been an option, until finding them on the cheap overseas.  Btw, Vienna has the *best* sex shops out of anywhere else I have been in the world.  I was in Germany AND Netherlands too!

Watching him use this is hella sexy and using it on him is beyond delicious.  It is my favouritest thing to do at the moment.  It’s also lots of fun to use when we masturbate together.  It turns me on so much, which is of course, very helpful in getting myself off.

You can really, really see inside the case and actual fleshlight and it’s just so fucking hot.  You can twist the end cap to change the firmness/tightness too.

I love that there is ‘something’ other than hands/mouth/actual sex that I can share with my partner.

Fleshlight = an awesome gift, for both of us!

 

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