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I am really hoping that a tentative offer to attend this totally amazing space does eventuate for me: Sex Camp

When the opportunity initially presented itself I had heard very little about it, except in passing. I am definitely super wary of things that are potentially contact based sex and sexuality workshops – I think there are SO many elements to providing a safe space for sexual exploration and basically I don’t want *anyone* touching me that I haven’t explicitly consented to.

Although one of the first things the site addresses is motivation for attending, that’s it’s not 2 day camping orgy and that the workshops etc are non-contact.

I spent a whole night looking at the site with my partner, reading and delving into the ideas and ethos and the errr, facebook group too. (sometimes facebook feels like such a dirty word)

I am sold. It looks like it will be a beautiful space, an incredibly healing space and the kind of space that would be extremely helpful for me at the moment. I think that there would be so many amazing people to talk to as well. My gosh, the workshops and seminars are just mind blowing and not all 100% spirituality based either. I’m a little shy of full blown energetic orgasm type stuff. I think I hear too much about it, from the wrong people in my job.

If I can attend, I would be doing so on my own. Flying solo. I have blessings from my gorgeous man ‘to experience what I want and need to experience’ which is pretty damn special. I’m sure if it’s totally kick ass he would be interested to attend in future, also exciting to think about too.

Aside from anything it has generated some good dialogue between us and made me much more motivated to pursue real life information regarding sex and sexuality, rather than staying safely behind my computer screen.

Things seem to be getting much, much better.

Although it has obviously only been a short while since my last post, I feel like a massive weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I’m feeling a hell of a lot more relaxed in sexual encounters.  Sexual situations are arising spontaneously and whilst I still do need to consciously switch off my inner monologue, it is getting easier.  I still don’t feel like I’m aroused in general or masturbating as much as I’d like to be, but I do feel there has been improvement.

I’m not stressing out about it anymore at least.

We’re heading overseas in a few weeks time and I do think travelling together and getting away from our regular life, jobs, house and just everyday stuff is going to do us a world of good as individuals and in turn in our relationship, including the sex we have.  I can’t wait!

I digress.

A few days ago now, a lovely lady whom I work with and reads my blog, approached me about my most recent entry and commended my bravery at writing about such a delicate and deeply personal experience.  It struck me as odd, because I feel as though if I didn’t write about something so pivotal here I’d be a total fraud.  It’s been really difficult to just write up and post, I’ll admit that, but I honestly believe the more people that put their experiences out there – good and bad – the more we learn about each other and in turn, ourselves.

I do feel it is a cop-out to write about all my sexy good times here and then skip over the gritty shitty stuff that happens to me.  I started this space to simply write and to share.  Full stop.  Being selective about what I write about undermines my whole ethos about this space.

It was also immensely helpful to put together my words and thoughts when I felt much calmer and clearer.  At the time I was so upset, confused and just flat out distressed.  Writing about something that has been eating at me for months and the breaking point in that situation has actually been quite healing.

I’m sure this isn’t all going to be over and ‘fixed’ in 1 week or even 10, but I will keep talking about it and trying to understand myself and the way my body and brain work.

In late January I shot some new content, at home, for the ifeelmyself.com site. (click on the banner to the left and down a bit)

It is the first time in at least a year I have made a film and a year is a long time when you’re experiencing major sexual growth. Part of not shooting for such a long time led me to realise that I had wholly eroticised the camera… to the point where I often fantasize I’m in the ifeelmyself.com studio when I’m masturbating.

So needless to say, I had some seriously intense orgasmic energy going on. The cherry on top of the delicious cake was that for my first take my gorgeous man helped me get off. I ended up shooting 4 takes in total… (2 is the norm).

When multiple turns ons come together in one session I apparently get a little excited, or something. Basically my entire afternoon was one large, pleasurable haze. Even for the takes following the first when he helped me to orgasm, he was still down the end of the room on his pc gaming and watching on, occasionally masturbating along with me.

I honestly feel I shot the best content I have ever made. It is the closest-to-reallife film that exists of me, that’s for sure. I think the ‘reality’ of the situation was what made it so hot too.

In combination to the big HD tv cameras, I had a little sony handheld HD camera and used it in different ways throughout this shooting session. This was absolutely, totally and extremely sexy. Cannot express this enough… words don’t suffice. Physically operating a camera that I was using to filming myself, whilst getting off was unbelievably hot.

I have been using this experience as masturbatory material ever since, it was just *so good*.

The films I made are just about to go live over at the ifeelmyself site and I am so, so, SO excited to see them. It’s like a grand finale for an already awesome and highly pleasurable experience. I can’t wait to watch each of them with my partner and to share them with a much wider audience than my humble blog could ever reach. Don’t get me wrong though, I plan to make some lovely things solely for this space as well.

So in short, cameras are damn sexy… I wonder if this becomes the case with anyone else whom films adult content…?

Wowsers, I have been having LOTS of sex.

I will use this as a convenient excuse for not writing anything here in an age. Although seriously, so sorry for being such an uber slacker.

Anywho, this whole boxes-of-10 condoms thing (non-latex ones come in boxes of 10) means I can actually very easily tally my sex-usage on a monthly basis. I’m finding it very cool to be able to ‘run stats’ on this sort of this for, quite possibly, the first time in my life. Having been on an oral contraceptive since I first started menstruating (at like barely 12 years old) I guess I’ve almost felt disengaged or distanced from my cycle and the way my body works.

I have now been off the contraceptive pill since the week before Christmas and I feel great. My constant battle with fatigue has eased, my libido has increased back to what it used to be and doesn’t suddenly plummit into nothingness anymore either. I haven’t lost any weight, but hey, I haven’t been trying so that’s next on the list to address and see if any changes have occured. My body feels as though it is working much better although the journey to my first period was perilous, PMTing like a mofo for 3 weeks solid, I think it is going to take a while to right itself… I’ve been on this medicine the last 13 years with only one 3 month break about 3 years ago.

There’s also this feeling of no longer being foggy. It’s difficult to describe or articulate fully, but basically I feel as though a bit of a mental veil has lifted. I’m feeling sharp and it’s great.

As each of my cycles progress I am going to see how I go. In having never been off a hormone longer than 3 months in my entire menstrual history I just have to play this entire process by ear. If my endometriosis symptoms return I will have to start up on a hormone again straight away, although over the past year all the nastiness seems to have eased quite a bit or is at least managable. (have I written about orgasm-therapy yet..? That’s a topic for another post methinks) The shitty endo symptoms are yet another reason to try to lose some weight also.

My aim right now is to try to get through to late 2011, hopefully the whole year, without taking any hormones or medically altering my cycle, if you will. Although failing that I’m giving myself a minimum 3 full cycle break (so 4 actual periods). I’m still researching the nuva-ring, but upon returning to hormonal contraception I’m pretty sure this is what I will be going with. If you have had any experience with this please comment and tell me about it 🙂

(Implanonon or the 3 month injections scare the shit out of me, too much anecdotal evidence this stuff either agrees with you or REALLY doesn’t)

So, yeah, receiving the news a combination of the oral pill and migraines puts you at risk of a stroke or DVT really was a major shock to the system, I didn’t know how I would go being off the pill and I also liked the convenience of being able to plot the where/when of menstruating. I have to say at the moment I’m not in love with condoms, but neither of us is ready to make a little person (or willing to risk it) and insofar we have been very responsible with contraception. It’s actually very nearly become part of our sexiness.

So yeah, I guess when I think about it, condoms are pretty sexy because they herald the onset on guilt and worry free sex. Feeling good about the sexy you’re having without worry means you will relax and enjoy yourself more.

NTS – tell this^ to my kid when they grow up!

The increase in my libido has meant I feel like sex a whole lot more, I’m also wanking a shiteload more too. It’s awesome to feel like a relatively balanced sexual being once more.

3 cheers for sexy-sex!

The longest, most languid and delerious session of play…

Tongues probing, fingers stroking, moans escaping, toys buzzing, his grunts and our waves of pleasure.

No one to have to be quiet for, nothing to have to get up for in the morning, not a thing standing in the way of enjoying each other and indulging in the kinks and delicious perversions we are seldom free and able to fully explore.

Allowing myself to fully submit to him, submit like I’ve really wanted to, submit like I goddamn well love to deep down, but hesitate, because, well… we all have some inhabitions.

He is touching me with both hands, hovering over me and laying kisses softly on my face, neck and breasts.  His coarse facial hair ever so slightly rubbing on my skin.  I am shuddering involuntarily in absolute pleasure… the sweetest kind of sensory overload.

His face moves down to my pussy, a soft, long lick over my clit and if I didn’t before, I now fully belong to him, to the sensation he is creating.  His fingers are still inside me, but his other hand slick with my wetness has moved lower.  He is stroking and gently probing the entrance to my ass and it feels absolutely phenomonal.

1 finger easily slides inside me and I lose it, everything feels so good, almost too good and I can hear my cries and the cheap vinyl couch underneath me as I writhe.

It would easily have been an hour of this calibre of play, the only breaks when I ask him to stop and fuck my face.  I remember distinctly that his pubic hair smelt wonderful in my face… like clean linen or something equally wholesome and nice.  I know I have one of my bigger butt toys inside me and have at one point been penetrated annally with 2 fingers not only comfortably but extremely pleasurably when I decide I want him to fuck me there.

I stop the proceedings to ask in my politest voice if he would be so kind and giving as to put his cock inside my ass, please.

We make ourselves even more slippery with pjur and take our time to ease him inside me.  I am on all fours and holding a vibe up against my clit.  He slides, slowly, gradually inside me and it feels incredible.  He gently thrusts inside me, back and forth, constantly checking in with me, asking if I feel good and rubbing his hands down my sides, brushing the sides of my breasts and over my buttocks.

I know I’m making a hell of a lot of noise at this point, but I just don’t care, I feel so good and so overwhelmed with sensation.  Our gentle anal sex soon becomes progressively nastier as I am more and more comfortable.  I tell him to grab my hair.

At no point did I feel pain, but there was a very ‘stretched’ sort of feeling going on and I knew that it meant we had to be gentle or discomfort would most definitely follow.  We just took our time though and actually had a little rest break part way through, we were both sweating like mad.

This, my first anal sex experience, was so thoroughly enjoyable I am so happy I slowly and deliberately experimented and then gradually worked towards full penetrative sex.  I have learnt so much about my body and it’s response to anal stimulation in many forms, I felt comfortable and at ease… okay no, I was downright eager for the actual sex by the time the act itself occured.  It is also a testament to the awesomeness and openess in my relationship.  I am with the most beautiful, sensual, gentle man that I love and trust so freaking much the force of this feeling frightens me sometimes.

So in conclusion: first time butt seks FTW!

Sooooooo, had a bit of a shocking and pretty humbling realisation not so long ago….

I have more intense, longer and ‘better’ orgasms with my partners assistance.

Dun dun duuuuuuuun.

I know this may be ‘no big deal’  for some, but for me it’s a pretty massive thing.

At first I tried to dismiss the thought when it formed in my mind, it kinda stung a bit and made me feel pretty weird and uncomfortable.  Although I kept coming back to it, considering it in little dribs and drabs and reached the point where I could accept that him and I, working in tandem, did create these awesome, mind blowing orgasms that I couldn’t achieve on my own.

It’s taken me a little bit of time to stop feeling so miffed and understand why I have been feeling this way at all.

I don’t like to think that anybody is better at loving myself than me.

Although honestly, my best orgasms are with our hands working together…  I am, after much contemplation, really okay with that.

So much so that I raised this topic with him and we discussed it, sensibly and rationally.  I told him how I initially felt about the realisation, the mental process I went through and my conclusion that ultimately he is an amazing lover.  I know that I have an excellent relationship in so many ways and this is just another of those awesome things he can help me to do, that makes me feel good in the truest sense of the word and in turn all of this strengthens our bond.

At the end of the day he is helping me to move forward to be the best sexual being I can be and that’s pretty fucking special.

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